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THIS BLOG IS UNDERGOING REFINEMENT.

PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE.

cut.

the life i live is a viral disease

that attacks in the thick of night

unaware of its fatal presence

we consciously turn away from the light

decisions made are always wrong

there isn't a reason to live on

things come and go, it may seem

everything good only happens in a dream

they say revenge is sweet

i say death is sweeter

a life you choose will not be the life you get

because the life you get is full of regret

cuts are all you feel right now

its becomes your anesthetic somehow

the knife sharpened for duty

your skin, bare-naked and ready

against your skin, cold as it is

you grit your teeth and let it rip

a sensation you find so enduring

your life gets better, you start believing

this world is tormented, listen to no one

know what you want and let it be done

dictators and fascist are all of the past

cut it deeper and let the pain last.

you're a fag.

person whose IP address is 220.255.7.157. what kind of a username is happygranny anyway. you're a homo. quit stalking my life you're not even part of it. busybody much?

go get an effin life before i track your IP address down because i can. and i will find out who you are and make your life living hell. better move out of your queenstown apartment. its a small area. use your own name for fuck sake if you're going to tag on my board. ball-less faggot.

release me.

things have gone better. sometimes we try living life not knowing what comes next. and sometimes that might just work but we fail to see that it is the littlest things that matter most. and its hard to just brush it aside as much as you want to. it hurts - bad. the last time i cried this badly was when i told my mother that behind every scar on my arm carries a hurt behind it. this hurts almost just as much. i dont want to go into detail as to what happened but its just a case of humility. is it that hard to say that you're sorry or was i asking too much?

anything thats worth having is sure enough worth fighting for. quit is out of the question. we make a stop, gotta fight some more. we gotta fight for this love. its worth having. its worth fighting for.

i'm just giving myself room to breathe and think straight. dont you just hate it when your mind gets caught up with everything and you feel overwhelmed and you are unsure of what the best next step would be. i dont want to screw it up but then again, i've said all thats needed to say. whether you understand it or not, theres nothing i can do about that.

maybe its not worth it.

i'm not liking it one bit

maybe i was blind and couldnt see

there's more to things than just you and me

i tried my best

but you failed the test

now i aint sure

and i need to make myself clear

you didnt say sorry

cause it wasnt on your side of the story

you thought you were right

and it was i who started the fight

stop wasting time i feel like i'm drowning

but without you i probably wont be smiling

i'm lost and confused now

just so you know, you made me frown

hope you're happy cause you made my day

tearing it up in the worse possible way

i'm done with it now

you made me see

that maybe you and i just werent meant to be.

but i'm not giving up

cause you mean the world to me.

who's going to save me from my misery.

xoxo

Russian Roulette

havent wrote since christmas. doubt people are paying any more attention to my blog now that its partially dead.

so anyway, i've been thinking a lot about jonny and i. with loran giving birth to jack and all i cant help but wonder whens the day i'll have her kind of happiness. also reading about xiaxue's recent engagement. AGAIN, cant help but wonder.

not sure when he'll pop the question or if he's ever gonna. and i think i'm thinking about it too much. its beginning to show. cause i'll 'bug' him about it. and i dont even know if its as important to him as it is for me. and really, we havent been together that long but still it feels like it y'kno.

anyway i dont want to write or think into it too much lest it ruins what i've already got. cant help the fact that i'm greedy can i?

and to be frankly honest, right now it doesnt feel like its going to happen. cause jonny's really... i dont know. and there's also the question of whether he really is the one for me. i believe that there's this special one that you WILL be with even if you havent met him yet. and you can meet him when you least expect it.

well right now, its just a hope - like i hope he's the one. am kind of the person that needs reassurance before i do anything. like i have to be sure that its true or it will definitely succeed before i go into it. and if it doesnt go my way.. you'd better run.

so anyway, meet jack smith :) loran's newborn baby boy. according to jonny, i'm an aunt now. yay :DD

thats momma Loran

well thats all i'm thinking about now.

xoxo

Christmas morning.

telephone.

so i'm back. missed me? well i keep this one real short as a video update will be coming to y'all in a couple of days :) look out for that!

other than that, i'm great. just down with the flu on christmas eve when i'm supposed to be out having fun. lol

how are you doing this fine day?

xoxo

haha just some picture i drew at this restaurant down at hillcrest that allows us to draw while eating and then if its nice they get put up on the wall. mine did. smiles for sarah!

hannah forced me to write that i was year 5. makes it look like some 10 year old drew it. come on. its cute lookin aint it.